Let me be very clear, again,
about the nature of my apology:
I never said that I am perfect,
but I do intend things
flawlessly.
I didn't want to come to this day:
with this habit of anxiousness in my
chest,
seeing cycles of discontent in your
cheeks—
an absence of passion, presence, rest.
And I did intend, in my time with you,
to be kind and loving, fair and open.
But I still have feelings; they hit me
first,
before I ever imagine your hopes and
worries, your wants and frustrations.
Now
it took you getting really, violently
mad
to finally tell me straight what you wanted,
and show it in your face. And for that I'm glad.
I'm glad we stayed in, and talked lying
down
without opening eyes, just speaking on
breaths:
too tired for anything other than honesty;
beyond redacted histories and tricking tests,
just our own values, aims, and the
places where
they meet. It felt like a first
encounter affair.
Like, “Hi— what's your name?”
Where a cautious
smile cleanses like lemon
oil, sage
in the
air.
Clear communication is key to having successful relationships. When life is as quickly-paced as it is today, understanding even one’s own emotional standing can be difficult. Trying to then understand a partner’s completely different set of feelings can seem nearly impossible, especially when inference is the only available method of coming to a conclusion. “Seeing cycles of discontent” provides hints of the relationship decaying, but it does little to identify any specific problem or how it can be solved. Even with good intentions from the start, actions (or inactions) can have unforeseen consequences that slowly build up and cause people to grow apart. In our individualist society, we think little about the needs of others in preference to our own inclinations. As tension builds, people eventually reach a point at which they can’t handle any more stress. They emotionally explode and lash out, unleashing all pent up frustration. However, it is during these moments that people express their true selves, airing out each and every grievance that they’ve suppressed. To avoid being swept up in the conflict and instead be glad reflects a mature perspective of valuing authenticity over convenient submission. To speak authentically is comparable to expressing an entirely new side of the self, which is a vulnerable and stressful position. This new persona faces potential rejection and criticism, and it becomes possible that it may not be compatible with the current relationship at all. To pause everything and have an honest conversation is a perilous feat that requires great courage, but it yields a deeper, sustainable connection.
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