Here's a test,
if you're up tonight
wondering if your relationship
is really “working right.”
If not, am I to blame,
or are they?
That won't find you
anything useful, either way.
Blame, shame, and insults scream
“I desire! I was planning on …
when I look at you,
I dream…”
But in those self-sorry
heckling-howls, we hide
the pink-juicy needs that—
fuckin'—everyone holds inside.
Those vitamins that we all want. Right?
Place those in your hand.
Look there:
"Do I love, accept, and understand?" Look out—
"Do I feel loved, accepted, understood?"
This life is not about “Working Right.”
It's about feeling
(and becoming) Good.
* * *
Love! Is that selfless, aching part
that we call “caring” “attaching”
“Your heart? moves my heart.”
You'll bump into love:
someone, sometimes, forgets themselves …
someone, sometimes, forgets themselves …
lifting your boxes, your sullen cheeks—
just to keep you well.
This is so basic: a desire to simply see
you flower into what
you were meant to be.
Acceptance! Is that deep-eyed, calming trust
that you—as you are—are enough;
that if I turn to dust,
you will carry on, being
good and worth it in this place.
We call that “tenderness,” “respect,” “a safe embrace,”
When someone leaves you the whole field
to fall, learn, stand up, grow!
Patient as you rise from the ground; eager
to hear what you've come to know.
Understanding! Comes from dipping—again and again—
into your universe: “It's always different from mine!
So what did you feel, just then?”
You'll notice this when someone doesn't
catch your meaning,
And instead of just shrugging
“I'm apart from your act / thought / feeling,”
they inch nearer by your side (without scales for judging)
just to know: a piece of you, like me,
just to know: a piece of you, like me,
too full to ever fully see.
We call this “presence,” “empathy,” “home.”
* * *
So here's a test,
if you're up tonight,
wondering if your relationships
are really “working right.”
Look in your own goddam hand:
“Do I love, accept, and understand?”
There is No One to hate, or reject,
or dismiss. Now touch your own lips—
be the first
one you kiss.
The speaker in this poem takes an inquisitive tone, heavy with worry, to address and evaluate the questions that many people come across when in a long-term relationship. Many people really are unable to sleep at night thinking about their relationship and wonder if it is their fault or their partners. When couples fight, “blame, shame, and insults scream” and the plans that people have for the future can fall through. The speaker makes the assertion that “life is not about ‘working right’” but rather about feeling good when with a partner. I think that this means making up after fights and working hard to address issues early on in a relationship. “Love, acceptance, and understanding” are the three main things that every couple hopes to receive from a relationship but it must start with love for one’s self.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good poem for the middle of the night; the honesty feels like it comes not from the things in the closet but from a well-meaning voice in my head. I often struggle with what I myself am supposed to get, or how I am supposed to love, in a relationship, not just what I can give someone in terms of love and support and space—how I should “work right”. Too often I make decisions and form opinions and hold grudges based on my preconceived notions of how people should act, how they should love, how they should tell me how they feel: I notice the small things that rankle, but not the long-term, quiet certainty and grace of support. This was a good reminder to lessen my focus on what others believe to be “correct” and more on how I want to be loved, and how I am so very loved right now, and how I can communicate and validate my hopes in the future.
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DeleteWhen the poet states “This life is not about ‘Working Right.’ / It’s about feeling / (and becoming) Good”, I believe it means that love is not meant to work, like a machine. Love does not just work out and keep running; instead love is a feeling within that flows. I think the beginning, or least how I interpreted it, is extremely relatable when it comes to love. You stay up worrying and wondering if it will last. You get so caught up on the future, doubts, and insecurities, that you forget to focus on the now, and what you are feeling in the moment. All that matter is if you’re feeling good now. It is interesting how the poet puts in that if a relationship isn't working, who is to blame. It brings me back to the idea of a machine and trying to make love like a machine that is functioning. Do you blame the creators or the machine for not working. It also points out that people try to find someone to blame when something is not working out.
ReplyDeleteThe poet states that love is a selfless act, an “aching part / that we call ‘caring’ and ‘attaching’ / ‘Your heart? Moves my heart’”. I agree a big part of love is selflessness; to sacrifice things in your life, in order to have someone else in it; however, I do believe that you have to be selfish. You should never let someone take things away from you because you are too selfless. Or if the person is mentally unhealthy for you, you should never feel the need to stay with them because you fear they might harm themselves if you leave. I do agree with the poet when he says the “aching part” because being completely selfless, to be blunt, sucks! You have to give up activities and opportunities you want to do because of the other person. Yes, they can be worth it, but it's hard resisting something you want to do. I could be wrong, but I think the poet tries to say that this selfless act creates a connection between the two people. If one person hurts, then the other person hurts. It all relates back to being selfless. If one person is hurt by others actions, the other person has to quit the action because they can’t stand the other person being in pain. Although I agree it hurts to see someone you care about in pain, I still believe you have to be somewhat selfish.
I believe the last stanza sends a message of self love. I interpreted it as saying you need to love, accept and understand yourself because you can love someone else. “Now touch your own lips--- / be the first / one you kiss” (Kuntzman). You should take care of yourself in order to be capable to loving someone else. If you love yourself, it gets rid of all the insecurities building up inside. You won’t need to worry and stay up at night wondering who isn't making the relationship work because you wot overthink and doubt yourself. I think this is a powerful, yet hard to grasp concept. Loving yourself and getting rid of all the insecurities you have about yourself is not an easy task, which is probably why it is the key to love, since love isn’t made easy and it’s not supposed to be. I think the poet has had lots of experience with love, since they are wise and this poem is filled with life advice.
I felt that this poem gave me solace and comfort in the fact that there is not a specific way that every human being is supposed to react and feel regarding things like love. It can be difficult for me to accept the fact that there is not some special manual that tells you how to act in certain situations due to the fact I am never sure what feelings and reactions are deemed normal. My brother passed away when I was about 10 and I vividly remember feeling incredibly guilty because I didn't cry at his funeral. I knew I was deeply sad and hurting, yet I didn't shed a tear which made me question if that was appropriate, even though that was my natural, human reaction. I still second guessed my feelings, because I didn't outwardly portray them "normally". My favorite line was,"This life is not about “Working Right.” / It's about feeling / (and becoming) Good." I felt that it resonated with me in many ways and I found it ironic because a customer I was talking to at work today had given me essentially the same advice after she had told me the story of why she got married for the first time at 55. She said that her whole life she had focused on finding a perfect relationship that was easy and simple, and had walked away from great things that she believed "didn't serve her", but she has now realized later in her life and in her most recent relationship that things are not meant to be perfect but that learning how to resolve conflicts and grow from them prove you have a stable and meaningful relationship because you are willing to work through things that are difficult. Essentially, what she has in her life now is good, although it may not be everyones definition of perfect, it is hers.
ReplyDelete:) Perfect is a momentary trait. "learning how to resolve conflicts and grow from them prove you have a stable and meaningful relationship because you are willing to work through things that are difficult" ... we make things perfect, will them and work them into moments of passing perfection, by being with the world in that accepting and committed way she describes.
DeleteReading through this poem, I really agree with the idea that sometimes people forget about the simplicity of just living a life with feeling. Throughout the poem, there seems to be a prevailing theme of loving, accepting, and understanding yourself, hence the final line where the speaker encourages the person to kiss themselves before anyone else, then taking the moment to exchange that positive energy with others around you.
ReplyDeleteMy mother used to be in a toxic relationship with my father, but after the divorce, she would always emphasize to me how important it is to love and respect yourself in any relationship, knowing that she had neglected herself in the duration of their marriage. As a result, I have grown up with these ideas, knowing from both her words and my experience that it’s part of the key to having a life that I am happy to be living. There is so much to love about yourself and the people you surround yourself with. If you live a life with that trifecta in mind, you grow up as someone who is also able to touch others and live a life that has less to do with blame and regret and more to do with simply sharing experiences with the ones you love.
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DeleteThis poem reminds me that there is no “correct way” to conduct a relationship. Rules and societal constructs cannot apply to relationships because every individual is unique, and everyone expresses their love in different ways. Although society has certain standards on what a “good relationship” is, what truly matters is how those involved in the relationship feel, not what so-called relationship boxes they have checked. I am not currently involved in a romantic relationship, but I always struggle with differentiating between what others arbitrarily say is correct and what is actually right for me, which leads me to always blindly follow rules. In order for me to flourish, and especially for me to be involved in a relationship with love, acceptance, and understanding, I know I first must be courageous enough to step outside of these boxes and explore what feels good to me, not what others think is right for me. This is why I think so many relationships fail. People enter relationships with preconceived notions and expectations that prevent love, acceptance, and understanding from otherwise blossoming. They expect someone else to love them before they love themselves, which is impossible because to become a safe space for someone else, you must first be comfortable with your own self. The collage seems to reflect this overall sentiment of comfort and happiness, especially with the paw resting on the human’s hand. There is no analytical hardness or judgment present in the collage, just emotions, since in a relationship, that is the only thing that matters.
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