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where you look
so happy with me;
where we
look so happy.
Next
it's a few videos I shot,
where I can
smell your perfume
and
sawdust,
just seeing that dress.
Then
it's
every
photo
I can
find,
and
all
the
songs
I saved;
that I
only sing now
thinking of you.
And then—
I haven't let a tear slide
since I let go your shoulder.
My eyelids
glide wet,
almost spill,
then dry again.
Some nights,
I wish
I knew
that calling you
would end
happily.
Still,
I imagine us perfect.
I can relate to this poem not through a romantic relationship, but from the perspective of a best friend. Moving 3,000 miles in the middle of junior year was never going to be easy. I was excited for new opportunities, but who wouldn’t be nervous?
ReplyDeleteI will never be able to forget what it felt like to tell my best friend, Liv, that I was moving away. We met at age six. I’ve had twelve years of loving her more than anyone. She’s my rock, my soulmate, and my person. I called her, crying. She thought I was kidding. She refused to believe I was serious. We didn’t go to the same school anymore, but we still managed to see each other every weekend.
Leaving hurt. I hadn’t seen her cry in years, but she broke down on my last night. We hugged each other and I wanted to never let go. We still talk, and she will always be my best friend, but it isn’t easy to have those real conversations we used to have at midnight during our middle school sleepovers, or on a summer afternoon in my pool once quarantine slowed down.
We are both so busy. We are preparing for college, editors-in-chief of publications at our schools, studying for AP tests, managing other relationships, spending time with our younger brothers. I wish I could see her whenever I want to, like I used to be able to. Just like this poem, I look at the old pictures. I see one of us at a Halloween party in sixth grade. I remember how itchy my costume was, and the way she wanted to take her face paint off the whole night, but didn’t want to ruin her costume. I see a photo of us at age seven, when we were in a play together in our pajamas, and another when we were in New York City for my 13th birthday, promising each other that we’d go to college together in the city and be roommates. The collage reminds me of a strip from a photo booth I still keep in my room from that trip. We posed in a store in the city. I still have it, five years later.
We have completely different music tastes, but I listen to the songs she likes when I miss her, like the speaker of this poem does. I know I’d never listen to Kid Cudi otherwise, but I do for her.
I haven’t cried over missing her, but I am right now. I hate shedding tears, but I call, and she doesn’t answer because she’s at work. She calls, and I don’t answer because I’m out with other friends. Missing her makes my heart hurt, and I too imagine us together once again, perfect. Best friends.
I'm glad you have someone in your life that you love enough to miss like that. Many people don't ~ and it's a warm spot inside that you get to carry around even when the person is far away. Real friends are always kind of there :)
DeleteI found this poem very interesting and relatable to my own experiences so far in life. My family has moved quite a bit, especially in my childhood, so I had to part with many friends over the years. Recently I have looked back on old photos and videos, often randomly suggested by Google photos, of old friends who I haven’t seen in years. Many of them I was quite close with, and similar to your description, I didn’t appreciate those relationships while they lasted. I never really realized what I had until it was gone.
ReplyDeleteThere is also the whole idea of what could have been, which is another thing I have thought about recently, especially with getting ready to leave for college. The penultimate sentence “I wish I knew that calling you would end happily” is something I relate to and also reminds me of the Steve Lacy song (Bad Habits) which has a similar feeling. It also reminded me of the plot of Great Expectations, which we just finished reading in English class. In the novel, Pip wants to be with Estella, and it isn’t until the very end, after so much unhappiness, that they realize they really should have been together, but it feels too late at that point.
I really enjoyed the visuals of the poem. I like how it starts off as simple lines and simple happy feelings of seeing an old photo. Then, some videos make the experience more vivid and the lines start to separate out as stronger emotions start manifesting themselves. Soon it becomes almost like an obsession where it’s only thinking of that one person, and just as a tear is forming, the words finish forming a shape of a tear. Then the tear has dried, the emotions have reached composure again, and the words return to a more simple form. I also really like the artwork along with it, especially the inverted colors which give it a distorted feel, almost like you can never see those photos the same way again after everything that’s happened (or not happened) since.
In my case, this wasn't an "I didn't appreciate it until it was gone" scenario ~ I ended things for good reason. But I still appreciated all their best qualities and remembered them fondly as I weened myself off of life with them.
ReplyDeleteThat's what the "“I wish I knew that calling you would end happily” line means to me: I don't actually believe that talking would end happily, which is why I keep my distance ... but I still imagine us perfect, in a world where all those issues could be magically brushe away.
This poem by Kuntzman perfectly encapsulates the feeling of longing following a gradually fizzled out relationship, and the sudden yet powerful reminiscence that accompanies it. The poem unfolds like a series of snapshots, whether from memory or a phone, with each stanza building on the last to create a single narrative of loss and yearning. The opening lines, “Starts with an old picture, / where you look / so happy with me”, immediately sets a tone of reflection and nostalgia of what once was. It made me reflect on old friends of mine who I have not seen in a long time, and how every now and then I reminisce about our memories the same way the speaker is. Following this, the speaker moves on to reflect on old videos; videos in which he can smell and feel the presence of the person they are reminiscing about, heightening their feelings of intimacy and longing for the days in which he and that person were happy. He mentions all the photos of their time together, whether they were in them or not, and all the songs that now remind him of that person, only making his longing and anguish for them stronger. The imagery presented by “I haven't let a tear slide / since I let go your shoulder”, and “ My eyelids / glide wet, / almost spill/ then dry again” demonstrate how the speaker has forced himself to not feel or think about his feelings for this person since letting them go. This related to me the most because I, too, prefer to make myself forget about the hurt instead of healthily working through my feelings. Finally, when the speaker talks about how he wishes he could call his loved one, yet does not in fear she’ll reject him, it makes us reflect on times in which we also avoided further pain by sacrificing a chance at reconciliation. This reminds me as well of J.D Salinger’s novel The Catcher in The Rye, and how the protagonist Holden avoids calling his old friend, Jane, throughout the entirety of the piece due to his fear that she has not missed him the way he has her. The collage presented by Kuntzman also aids in allowing us to visualize the piece, and how these feelings of pining and yearning for an unrequited love only grow stronger through each swipe of his phone. The contrast of colors like that of an infrared camera show that the speaker and his loved one are a mix of blues and greens. In an infrared camera, the warmth of live things is demonstrated by warm tones like red, orange, and yellow. In this collage showing the people in the phone as blue can be interpreted as a metaphorical coolness created by the speaker and his loved ones distance, signifying the lack of love that now exists between the two.
ReplyDeleteLack of togetherness and lack of love are two distinct things ~ I think you can grow far away from someone, or even realize that they are unhealthy for you to be around and so actively distance yourself from them, and still love them very deeply.
DeleteAnd you can call me Josh :)
Or Dr. Kuntzman BA/MA/MA/PhD lol ~ but I prefer Josh.
I find this poem relatable, I think it is very interesting in both tone and structure. When you miss something or someone, it is easy to romanticize your idea of it. Getting lost in the memories of the past and remembering through rose colored glasses. That is the direction in which I took this poem. It is so easy to scroll back on old photos and remember exactly how you felt during that moment, and in retrospect it is easy to convince yourself you didn't appreciate it until it's gone. I really like the way the words begin to space out as the poem continues, I interpreted it as a growing divide/ space between the person. I love how as the poem progressed the shape of the words began to resemble a teardrop, which is such a dramatic shift from the happy reflective mood at the beginning. The visuals add to the experience even more; the bright colors distort the image, just like our own mind distorts our memories. One particular thing I found very relatable from this poem was the mention of music. I believe music is one of the most powerful forms of connection. Personally, I connect almost every song to either a person or a specific memory. It is so strange to listen to some songs after a long period of time and it makes me very nostalgic. This poem articulates beautifully how powerful missing someone can be, and how much of an effect it has on our mind.
ReplyDeleteWellll... rose-colored glasses, yes. But also a little bit of an eye peeking over the frames: I often find, with relationships (especially ones that I leave) that I can simultaneously appreciate all the wonderful moments I had with that person, and also appreciate not having the parade of stresses and pain that came alongside those wonderful moments.
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ReplyDeleteThis poem stood out to me because of the eye-catching collage and unique structure of the poem itself. Instead of the standard stanzas, the poem features scattered words and phrases, which to me represent a disconnect between the memory and reality the speaker is reflecting upon. I find this poem relatable because of its explanation of how photographs and videos almost transport the viewer to the world of the memory itself, yet the memory is usually idealized with the absence of unpleasant recollections. Though this can be viewed as inauthentic to the moment itself, I find it to be an accurate representation of how we as humans reflect back upon moments in time that we are fond of. Sometimes it’s nice to look back upon moments with a fondness absent of the bad memories that may have followed the event. I find this poem to be a good representation of how I reflect upon this past school year: when looking at old photographs and videos I am filled with gratitude knowing that I have experienced many milestones, yet I also seem to forget the moments of apprehension and stress relating to the many changes occurring throughout the year. However, I don’t view this as being something bad, rather a respite amidst the stress I may have felt at the time and a way to look back upon memories with fondness instead. The collage contributes to the meaning of the poem because of the way the people in the photograph are not fully within the parameters of the screen, which to me is representative of how the recollection of a memory may be a composition of both our idealized reflection and the actual reality.
This poem’s structure and relatable, overall theme fascinates me. Kuntzman’s comment underneath the poem (this poem was not an “I didn’t appreciate it until I was gone” scenario) helped clarify its meaning. The poem is a reminiscence of what could have been; It is a desire to escape to a world where all of the issues could never have existed in the first place. It is so easy to look back on happy little snapshots of the past and get lost in the endless myriad of different “nows” that could have happened if different things happened in the “then”. This poem made me think about the countless friends that I had lost throughout the years, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic. Even as I am writing this right now, I still remember that sense of desperate longing. It felt like I was on a raft in the middle of the ocean, helplessly watching important people in my life speed away on a boat, leaving me helpless and alone. I thought that the structure of the poem mirrors the previously mentioned snapshot idea, as many of the words or phrases are spaced out. The words seem to form a teardrop, which strongly reinforces the significance of the words that comprise it; the last tear that the speaker dropped was when he let go of the one he loves. Lastly, the image that came with the poem was distorted and discolored. This references how, when one reflects on what could have been, one looks with an altered perspective, enjoying the fond memories while not having to think about the pressures from those moments.
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