I refuse to marry my father.
Whoever my partner may be—
Please help me do better than I did with dad,
And we'll partner happily.
We'll listen to each others' full sentences,
And always trust that, even
If our words missed their mark, still they were
Aiming at something we truly believe in.
And we'll both reassure each other,
So our full, honest faces can show
Without the dark paint of insults,
Thick mask of judgments, blocking that flow.
We'll both name ourselves by our best parts:
“Beautiful” “loving” “kind.”
And we'll see the rest as nothing but dust
to broom up and toss behind.
Each morning – “Forget that your breath smells
pickled; I'm just glad that you breathe.”
pickled; I'm just glad that you breathe.”
Each meal – “What we can't tolerate, hungry now,
we'll laugh about after we eat!”
we'll laugh about after we eat!”
Each evening – “Let go your day's tiredness,
and drink in this peace: you've returned.”
Each night – “Soon, I won't know where I am,
but I'll feel you close; that we've earned.”
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ReplyDelete"2 months being away from my ex-girlfriend, and having gone out on 2 dates with other women, has already given me a lot of perspective about healthy communication between a woman and a man. My ex always said, 'Women are just emotional; you're going to have to deal with that no matter who you're with.' But now I realize that the problem was not ever her emotions, but the way she used emotions to justify painful insults and dismissive judgments.
ReplyDeleteDate#1 and I were both very open about what we were feeling, but always also accepting each other's feelings—no judgment, no insults: acceptance. And that felt safe, and good. Date#2 straight-up told me in the middle of our first date that she wasn't feeling romantic sparks—but she was also aware of how that might make me feel, and so shared her thoughts sensitively, with kindness. As we talked honestly about her headspace, we found out that we were BOTH just months out of relationships -- and probably not in places where we would feel romantic chemistry with any one. Then she cried, and I hugged her, we walked a bit and laughed, and each said sincerely, 'I like you.'
I'm a BIG fan of emotions—when they're open, unguarded, and based in care. Date#2 knew I wasn't going to judge her for her messy felafel sandwich, and I knew she wasn't going to judge me for being blunt, because we both TOLD each other, explicitly, that we would be accepting. And we held true to to our acceptance of each other—so trust developed very quickly between us. We started relaxing, smiling, laughing—connecting.
So, if my ex and I ever connect again, there will be 2 things I will not re-welcome in that relationship: (1) me or my friends being judged dismissively or insulted uncritically—I won't have that condescending unkindness in my life; and (2) my words being used or twisted to fight me, rather than to understand me—I won't be on a team where my partner uses my imperfect words like legal documents against me to 'win' an argument, and so resists listening as I explain, “What I meant to convey was this; this is what I believe.”
If she can accept that those have been problems, and really wants to work on them between us, she knows I'll be there for her—like I was for 2 years, with love and committed effort. If she can't accept those...then we'll just keep things as they are, in the past. I'm hoping to find someone who will accept and trust me, who I find trustworthy and acceptable—i.e., not my dad: with his corrective, judgment-filled communication, his pre-decided interpretations and fight-to-show-you're-right approach to listening. At 70, he's just now starting to work at changing that. But I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna wait 40 years for my partner to come around to being my partner."
– 15 December 2015
This poem really got to me. I feel as if most of my peers, and myself, talk about not being like our parents. Although this poem deals with not ending up with a man who was like the speaker’s father, I feel that it also relates to other aspects of our relationship with our parents. As children we idolize our parents and want to be just like them, as we age we begin to develop differing opinions and start to say things like “ I don’t want to be like them.” I know personally I have said this many times, I see my parents relationship and don’t want one like that, I say I will parent differently than them. Maybe it is just teenage obstinance.
ReplyDeleteThis poem, coming from an older man surprised me. I did not think that someone who had passed this stage in his life, the stage me and my friends are in currently, could fell and think like this. This belief of trying to be the opposite of our parents is common and it was reassuring to see others express this idea. Even though I find comfort in my friends sharing my sentiments, I must admit it was weird and comforting to see my idea shared by someone whom I have never met. It made my feelings seem more normal.
The difference is, this is not "trying to be the opposite of our parents," but trying to translate the flaws of our parents into a road-map of what we actually WANT in our lives and relationships. It's not running away from ... it's saying "I've experienced this; I am determined to do better." In that way, our parents (for all their flaws) help us to self-motivate in building a good life for ourselves.
DeleteI enjoyed this poem from the beginning, as the first line really stood out to me. "I refuse to marry my father" is such a seemingly simple statement but comes loaded with deeper meanings. I respect and love my dad but I wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone with his exact same personality. The same goes for my mom. I was recently considering that there was a point in my life when I realized that my parents aren't the kind of people I am friends with now and if I had known them when they were my age, we probably wouldn't have been close. This poem really resonates with me in that regard because you can't choose your family but you can choose who to from relationships with, and the speaker begins the poem with a very clear statement that he is choosing not to marry someone like his father. The title, “Ultipatum,” reflects this, as it is a play on words which suggests a final demand relating to one’s father. This poem begins with what the speaker doesn’t want, but then goes on to describe what he does want, a relationship characterized by communication, honesty, and openness. I think that’s what everyone wants, but this poem articulates it in a hopeful and optimistic way that stuck with me.
ReplyDeleteWell-read :) and I appreciate your related thoughts about "what if my parents were my age? Not my parents, but my peers? How would I regard them?" This can be hard to think about (to change a role-model and authority figure in your life into just another person)...but it's so important to be able to do that: to become the adult you want to be, means placing yourself on the same level as other adults, your parents included.
DeleteKeep wrestling with the hard questions :)
Ultipatum- June 11, 2018
ReplyDeleteThis poem drew my attention as the speaker is looking for a partner that does not share the qualities of their father. My interpretation of the poem is that the father is abusive and someone that the speaker needed to get an away from. In movies and especially in real life, we often see or hear female teenagers enduring stressful relationships with their fathers due to physical or verbal abuse. Within this poem, the speaker is looking for someone who is completely opposite of their father. Teens often say that we do not want to be anything like our parents as we are constantly learning from their mistakes in hopes of not making them. We grow up wanting to be our own person often searching for a deeper meaning in life while trying to find ourselves. This first few stanzas of the poem talk about what the speaker is looking for in a partner. This spoke to me as it conveys that in an abusive relationship, people suffer mentally and emotionally. Fortunately, I cannot relate to their struggles as I have not been in such a situation. I strongly believe that I am lucky because my father has set an example of what I should look for in a partner and that I should not settle for anything less. I may not want to grow up to be exactly like my parents but, I am proud to have been taught to have goals and expectations for myself. I know my worth based on what my father has taught and shown me with his love and care.
The relationship between a parent and a child is something I believe greatly shapes many characteristics of a child throughout their whole lives, especially when they are adults. I find it fascinating that in certain cases, people that have close relationships with their parents as children and teenagers often times look for the same characteristics as one of their parents in a significant other. However, many times people sway the opposite direction and end up in relationships with people that are the polar opposite of their parents due to the fact that they are searching for someone that does not embody any of the qualities that they despised about their own parents, which is true in the case of this poem. I feel like the same is true for people's parenting styles; people often times parent in a very different way than they were raised due to the fact they believe a certain way of doing things negatively affected their outcome as a person.
ReplyDeleteI think that everyone is somewhat scared to become their parents. As a kid you want to grow up and be your parents, you want to always be with them as if they were superheroes. But as you grow older you realize that they are human too and with that all their special powers go away and they are just people. Don't get me wrong they are still people you love, but they they make humanly mistakes and get upset at you and yell. It comes to a time where you grow up and want something different, you want to still be familiar with heir good characteristics but as far away as you from their bad ones. When reading this I saw that maybe the narrator grew up in a broken household where their parents fought a lot or were separated. The narrator, in my eyes, just wants the love and affection that they never saw growing up. I do not think that this was a sad poem at all; I saw it as a poem full of hope. The narrator seemed hopeful for the future and for a person that they can always have beside them and that they can love forever.
ReplyDeleteThis poem really speaks to me. I’ve had struggles with my dad in the past too, so I feel like I understand not wanting to repeat any aspects of that relationship with anyone new. The line “Please help me do better than I did with dad” definitely resonates with me because I hope to never repeat those struggles with other people. This line makes me think about my own emotions surrounding my relationship with my dad and my family as a whole. I think we always hope to do better in every new relationship and hope that we won’t experience the same mistakes that we’ve experienced in past relationships. I love the simplicity of the interactions between the two people following the first stanza: for me, it shows the weight of what came before by describing the lighter experiences of a better relationship. The interactions are very open and accepting of insecurities, which I infer is an aspect that was not present in the relationship with the father.
ReplyDelete-Caitlin Mitchell
After reading the first line of this poem, I knew I had to comment on it. Relationships are never as simple as we wish, or as they are portrayed in the media. This statement applies to my relationship with my father. We both love each other, but his expectations of me and our differing perspectives of life have led to a palpable tension between us. I cannot freely say or do what I please. Everything must first pass through a mental filter—how would he respond to that? Perhaps it is because of this somewhat strained relationship that I have always dreamed of a partner who is completely different, someone who understands me without judgment, someone who accepts all of me, even my so-called flaws. The second through sixth stanzas of this poem perfectly embody my hopes in a future relationship of mutual love. Seeing how closely this poem mirrors my own wishes definitely comforts me in that I know I am not alone in my sentiments towards my father and my dreams for the future; however, what frightens me is the undeniable trend of girls marrying men who are similar to their own fathers. Will I fall into this trend? Will the speaker also fall into this trend? The poem merely consists of the speaker’s hopes, but the reader is left to surmise if their dreams ever become a reality. This sense of suspense is what alarms me as I read this poem. The tension between the father and the speaker’s desires seems to continue in the collage too. Personally, the watch reminds me of my father and his strictness, whereas the picture of the girl with the boar represents the desire for a healthy, loving relationship in the future. Overall, “Ultipatum” reminds me that my fate is not determined solely by my father, but that my future is in my own hands too.
ReplyDelete"what frightens me is the undeniable trend of girls marrying men who are similar to their own fathers. Will I fall into this trend?"
DeleteI think the question underlying that is "Will I KNOW that I'm falling into that trend?" If we don't see ourselves falling into something that we don't like -- because it feels familiar, and in that way comfortable or natural -- then we are at risk of pursuing and staying in those relationships, over and over.
But if we know what those patterns were in our formative relationships, and why we don't like being treated like that, and how to recognize warning signs of those behaviors in others, and how to say "Nope, not interested in that familiar bullshit..." THEN, we'll probably be okay :)
This work is one of the things that therapy is really good for. As you say: "my fate is not determined solely by my father, but that my future is in my own hands too."
When first viewing this poem I was intrigued by the collage of the girl and a pig’s head. Before reading the poem I interpreted this photo to mean that the girl’s father is stubborn or metaphorically pig headed. I thought the first line of the poem was very funny as it read “I refuse to marry my father,” because my mom makes jokes about this topic to me pretty often. I always find it funny when people say the man you marry is generally like your father, because I don’t think I would ever consciously do that. I am exactly like my dad in so many ways. We are both extremely impatient, opinionated, stubborn, and must always get our way. Because we are so similar in these ways, we argue sometimes. The speaker states, “we’ll listen to each others’ full sentences,” which contradicts the nature of my relationship with my father because we always interrupt each other and don’t listen to what the other person is saying. The author seems to understand this paternal relationship and has expressed it in a wonderful way. Even though I am impatient and irritable with my father now, we are both saying the same thing, and one day we'll both come to realize how similar we are in our minds and actions. Another line of the poem reads, “we will both name ourselves by our best parts,” meaning that when one marries their partner, they should focus and appreciate their differences because that’s what makes them compatible. Overall, this poem shows the evolution of a father-child relationship showing that the friction in a paternal relationship is normal in the process of growing up, and will eventually be resolved one day. I also thought the visual appearance of this poem was interesting because the words start close together then seem to drift apart in the middle of the poem, and then reconnects at the end. This visual pattern seems to resemble the relationship a daughter and her father embark on throughout her life.
ReplyDeleteIt's supposed to resemble, roughly, an old man's face in profile :)
DeleteI
ReplyDeleteThis poem is very relatable. However the problematic parent is my mother. The “If our words missed their mark, still they were Aiming at something we truly believe in” can be perfectly applied to my relationship with my mother. My life is a constant game of telephone with her. I will attempt to get my feelings across but she will receive it as a dig to her ego, personality, appearance, intelligence, education, upbringing, and more. And what’s even worse is that she will start telling every single person in our family that I said something malicious to her, when she just misinterpreted something I said to her. As a result, everyone in my family has this evil perception of me. I will apologize to her in an attempt to make matters better but she will never remember my apology. She will always remind me that I have never said I was sorry for anything, then I apologize for that. It is to the point where I record every single one of our conversations with nobody around.
I pray to God that I will never have the misfortune of being romantically involved with any boy that treats me the same way my mother has. I fear that my relationship with my mother will manifest in a different relationship of mine that is either current or in the future. I already know that she has permanently stunted me in terms of being an emotionally functioning individual. Her words and actions have totally derailed my teenage years and I predict that they will have lasting effects on me for years to come.