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Caught my face
In the reflection of this computer
screen
When it went black.
Shook my head
At these guilty hands, checking again
for a message.
I wasn't made
For this wall between us, my unknown.
I wasn't made
For this wall
They call a screen, and fill with
colors
That look deep
And fast. That
Look bright and – honestly – real,
More or less. I
Was not made
To touch this wall and want you.
I was made to
Hear letters
Falling warm off your tongue
in a field, or
a hall, or –
Fuck it – an alley, full of
real garbage
and puddles
and pebbles and mud
that smell like
life to be
and death having
been & ended.
Had you sent
me a message,
it all would
have been
pretend-
ed.
The newest who seems full of promise online. writes about herself in a self-deprecating but also self-amused manner. calls me out on things she doubts about me. In photographs, looks calmly happy – not tense or manic, just content. And writes back fast. Then there's a 1-day gap (which is nothing, but drags onto center stage the fact that, in reality, I know nothing … she could be trapped inside a really dense calculus problem, or an elevator shaft, or the eyes of an Italian underwear model {“Italian” modifying “model,” not “underwear”}: I can't know from here, behind this wall that pretends it isn't).
ReplyDeleteReal life, son. Out into the day.
*By-the-by, the computer screen went black thanks to the “color inversion” tab in Windows' “magnifier” tool. I used to make my word documents black-paged with a white font color. This is much easier – thank you, Windows 7 & Jonathan, my computer-dominating roommate.
You are welcome; next weekend I'll show you how to increase the width of the main text column here so your collages won't protrude into the right column anymore!
ReplyDeleteOkay, well – 1 day is nothing, but 14 days is a legitimate swan song.
ReplyDeleteI'd feel silly holding a funeral for what never was, but still, I can write a eulogy:
“Never got to hear you laugh, only type LOL. I hope you smiled while you wrote it, though. And I hope you find what you're looking for. Maybe some day, you'll run into me and laugh – and I won't know it's you, because that will be a real beginning.”