So then there was nothing:
No thoughts about the day.
No wondering if I deserve
to be here, either way.
No flash to being mashed
flat on a car door, touched.
No emotions, like fingers
still against me. Nothing much.
Just a gentle, whispering sting;
A warm salt drip of blood.
A dew drop bundled on a hair.
So innocent. So good.
Five or ten minutes of nothing.
Of every trailing thought pushed back.
And then (no...) a. little hateful voice
Crawls in. Carve one more line on the track.
People who notice, say “Don't.”
Or just stare
at the chorus of
violin strokes.
Pushing me distant,
like a
trailing
thought.
One more cut—
could
make
them
not.
Feelings of emptiness and numbness are common for many experiencing various mental health conditions. When trapped in such a negative mental state, even moments that others perceive as positive or neutral fail to register properly. From my observations, those in a depressive state often have their minds fixated on the triggers of their depression, making it difficult for any external conditions to alter their mindset. Even physical pain is not perceived as coming from its source, like a car door, but rather as an extension or repetition of their internalized pain.
ReplyDeleteSelf-harm, such as cutting, is often about the control one feels in administering the pain. It’s not the external world causing them pain, but themselves, allowing them to play god rather than be victims of human nature’s cruel game. Your poem immediately reminded me of the song “Oh Ana” by Mother Mother, which also explores the mindset of someone engaging in self-harm, particularly from the perspective of someone with dissociative identity disorder (DID). The voices and trailing thoughts in your work evoke the different personalities within someone, urging them not to go too far, only to be overridden by the clarity and rush of pain.
Those who suffer from depression often find relief from emotional pain through physical pain or pleasure. The inner thigh, an erogenous zone that can be a source of pleasure, is depicted here as a site for physical pain. This act might symbolize an escape from the pleasure they feel guilty about enjoying, attempting to balance it with pain. Both pain and pleasure are intense sensations, and harming this area could reflect their struggle to reconcile these conflicting emotions.