“This doesn't count” ~ texts from a relationship not to stay in ... (Found Poem)

                          Be more cryptic about hanging out with me 

                       why don't you... 

                      how directly do I need to ask? 

I'm not gonna assume you're inviting me, 

especially after last night.

                        I was annoyed with you yes,

                     But you also left

I left because you didn't want me there - 

                     I felt blamed and attacked and irritated. 

                  Surprising I wouldn't want to keep feeling that way? 

             It's like you were just goading me:

                Unclearly explaining your ideas 

                and then blaming me for misunderstanding 

Maybe I should give you some space today - 

you're clearly a little O.D.'d on me.

            Leaving me alone doesn't fix things. They fester

              If you want to be written off, that's a great way to achieve it 

I am clearly fog-headed right now, yes? 

And you're expressing irritation with my poor communication, yes? 

So imagine how that's likely going to play out today, is all I'm saying

                                                              You put it on me AGAIN

                           Not “I'm still feeling I'll communicate badly.”

            Or any other thing you could say that relates to You rather than me 

          You are a shit apologizer. Period. I meant what I said. 

                           And I'd really like you to work on it

I’m just confirming back what you’re saying. 

YOU are irritated. I have been communicating fine 

with everyone else I’ve talked to.

                                      You never take responsibility. 

                 Also I was referring to your apology skills 

               not your general communication skills 

I am happy to take responsibility. 

I’m not happy to be barraged with intellectual challenges 

interspersed with insults and criticisms

           You melodramatically pontificate 

That’s ^ much more useful to say 

than calling me “Shitty” over and over

                        Don't put your self loathing on me 

                Don't put your "nobody wants me around" on me 

                  I don't fucking deserve it

Im saying you use the descriptor “shitty” with me regularly

That’s fact, not projection

                        Whatever. Maybe you're shitty regularly 

                   Why is that my fault 

                I put up with you

                   Regardless of how shitty I feel you're acting 

I have told you, many times: 

Saying that's not constructive. Not positive nor encouraging. 

Just an uncritical, useless, hurtful insult 

                        I don't always control my language

                I don't know what to tell you about that. I say things. 

            I try to be constructive but sometimes 

                I'm too frustrated 

And yet I’m held to the standard 

of tight, accurate, controlled communication

                                Ha.

                        You're a fool.

                     You say plenty that I'd rather you didn't. 

“Shitty” “Fool” “Asshole” 

in the last 5 minutes.

                                Yeah. I'm pissed off at you 

                           Also I said 'maybe.'

Yes. And you’re being unkind.

And you think it’s okay

And it’s not.

                                How should I convey how I feel better

                        I don't think you set any example for me—

                          Although you clearly think so.

Just don’t call me disparaging names all the time, 

and then hit me with “Don’t put your self loathing on me” - 

you’re doing all the loathing.

                            Condescendingly telling me 

                     "See how magnanimous I'm being right now rae? 

                Isn't this great? Unlike that time YOU ruined the wedding for me."

                  Fuck you. Just fuck you. Enjoy your life 

Okay. You’re call. 

This is why I wait for the invitation

                        Because you're a coward

                        I get it

Because I wouldn’t call you a coward.

                        No you'd just passive aggressively 

                        insult me in other ways 

I tell you directly what you do that bothers me.

                        Ha.

                        Keep on lying to yourself.

                        It's gotten you far in life so far hasn't it?

                        You've had such great relationships with women

                        Keep blaming me!

                        Cuz I'm the common denominator, aren't I?

Please stop texting me. 

what you’re writing is a lot of heavy put-down to take.

                        You think you communicate well. You don't. 

                        That's why people consistently don't get you 

                        even though you're relatively simple. Isn't that true?

                        I work really hard to understand you,

                        Unlike just about everyone else.

                        They look at surface-level josh. Whoopie. 

                        Give me some credit for the consistent work I put in with you.

                                You don't.

                        I'm just an unkind monster who insults you all the time.

You look inside me, and then throw it in my face in an angry barrage.

Not pleasant, not kind.

                        You're wrong

                        What do I throw in your face

Read your texts.

                        This doesn't count as anything other than me being angry at you

It hurts like it counts

                        And you refuse to back down. 

                        Refuse to apologize. 

                        Refuse to be nice. 

                        So it's gonna keep coming 

                                until you do.

                        You know how to make it stop 

                        You don't want to. 

                        You'd rather be stubborn. 

                I want you to see exactly how far it's getting you with me

                        Once you give in, you note how my behavior changes. 

                But you keep standing the ground that upset me 

                and this is what happens:

                        I escalate. 

                                Until you give in. 

                I give in too. Don't act like I don't. 

        And at the wedding I did actually give in. 

                        You twisted the facts so you could feel 

                                like you didn't ruin it for yourself 

                         but it's false. You lied. 

        You lied last night to me, 

                blamed me, condescended to me, 

                        and attacked me.

                        You never apologized. 

                        You left. 

   So this is where that gets you.