Alice 00101011 (Best online dating conversation ever) ...

Three years ago (near Valentine's Day, 2016), I sent a message on OKCupid to a person who stated on her profile: "I really enjoy it when people are funny. I also like it when they think I'm funny. Because I'm a narcissist. Even better is when I find a person with whom humor is shared, so that when we are together it becomes this epic conspiracy of hilarity."
To this day, I still regard our exchange as the best rendition of "Hey, stranger ~ want to go on a date?" that I have ever participated in. I hope this makes you smile as much as it made us do. (Edited for length and clarity):

...SUNDAY...

JOSH:

You sound like good company - challenging, but enjoyable :)
How would you describe your energy,

on a scale from mellow/warm to first-violin?

ALICE:
I think you may have lifted the "challenging, but enjoyable" line 

directly from one of my elementary school report cards.

I'd describe my energy as warm, inviting, and playful.

How would you describe your own energy? 

JOSH:

If we're playing three-adjectives, 

I'm going with enthusiastic, ruminating, and slightly intense

(I experience the world very acutely).

ALICE:

Mmm... I'm guessing you're a bit of an empath?

JOSH:

Dead-on. It's my super-power and my Achilles heel.
Seems like yours might be … getting a read on people through textual analysis? 

That's a useful skill on a dating site.

ALICE:

Being an empath is a great super-power.

Reading people through textual analysis is a bit of a super-power for me.

Today marks my first step into the world of online dating.

JOSH:

So I'm part of your experimental avatar-polishing. I can accept that.
Your profile's pretty great. (except for the photos:

cameras clearly have trouble hitting you ;) ) 

ALICE:

Haha... Well, thank you. I'm glad you like my profile.

The online thing feels a bit precarious at first, to be honest.

Something akin to choosing books to read

when most of them have the front and back covers ripped off,

and shirtless gym-mirror-selfies pasted to the majority of the pages of text.

Well look at that... the camera caught me... ;) [photo]

...MONDAY...

JOSH:

Shoot – you're cute to boot.

See, this is why it's better to get to know people from the inside first:

then you don't feel like an id-demon for saying hello.

We should start a website where you don't get to

"like" people and see their pictures

until after you've read their profiles.

We could call it "OKCan'tGetPeopleToUseThisSite" ... eh? 

ALICE:

Haha! Yes. I like it.

You and I would likely be the only two people to consider using our new website, Josh.

But... if I stopped using *this* site, my life would lack the enrichment

of messages like, “Y doesnt you're profile have pix???” and,

“oh shit i just read ur stuff ur really deep and stuff nm”. 

JOSH:

Are those real ?! Those are AMAZING!!
By the way, can I just say that I really want to meet you right now?

I'm deeply bummed that the live-version of this conversation is 90 minutes away :{

* :{ = sad walrus, I think.

ALICE:

Those were an amalgamation of a few messages, to be fair,

and thus represent the combined powers of *several* men,

not the communicative prowess of one supreme being.

I did have someone initiate contact with "Do you want to get married?"

(SUPRhottDoodXXX and I are thinking a fall wedding might be nice,

so keep November open and look for your invite in the mail).
And I'm with you -- I really want to meet you as well. :<

*:<= umm... sad prawn? I was kind of reaching with that one... 

JOSH:

The asterisk + the equal-sign makes it look like

a sad prawn with a flower in its hair, and a dress on --

trumped me once again.

ALICE:

It *does* look like a sad prawn with a flower in its hair and a dress on!

She's so festive. Sad, but festive.

JOSH:

I think I'm gonna put that prawn on a t-shirt.

Printed in salmon on aquamarine.
And then we're gonna meet

somewhere around Rancho Real Vineyard,

the next long weekend,

where I'll admit that

I don't drink wine.

ALICE:

I don't like wine either...

I actually don't enjoy alcohol at all,

with the exception of very old fashioned

or embarrassingly hipster drinks (like Brandy Alexanders),

served at speakeasies where I can pretend it's the 1920s.

But I want that shirt.

So make sure they print two,

and that one would fit a very small woman. :)

...TUESDAY...

JOSH:

How small is "very small"?

Are we dipping into kid's sizes?

pet-costumes?

ALICE:

Very small is... very small.

Like, sad festive prawn is to sad walrus

what Alice is to Josh, most likely.

Most of my shoes have Dora the Explorer,

some type of Velcro, or lights that activate when I stomp my feet.

And I once tried on a pumpkin costume for dogs while in PetCo.

It was too big.

JOSH:

I once tried on a jingle-bell dog collar at PetCo ...

I should have bought it; I felt so festive.

I swear my tailbone wagged

ALICE:

I think I could fit into dog costumes,

I'd just need to size down to "mid-sized dog".

How festive was the jingle-bell collar, on a scale from one to sad prawn?

JOSH:

How is "1 ------ sad prawn" a coherent scale for festivity?

I feel like I'm talking to Salvador Dali.

ALICE:

For all you know you *are* talking to Salvador Dalí.

I mean, I could be a 45-year-old-man living in his mother's basement, right (winky face?)?

Too soon? Probably too soon.

It is not, in fact, a coherent scale for festivity.

But it's a scale that lends to a greater degree of creative flexibility.

I would explain in greater detail, but I need to go melt some clocks.

JOSH:

I'll be honest, I've built you way up in my head.

So if you end up having a handlebar mustache and clock-residue on your hands ... :<

Either way, the bell-collar was probably 3/4ths up the festivity scale,

somewhere between 5 and a walnut wearing a "flash me, I'm a welder" tank-top.

ALICE:

You have now created *TWO* shirts that I need to have in my life.

I was an apprentice fabricator (And I love being flashed?) for a bit.

That response was why I gave you the scale that I did.

I actually laughed out loud and clapped,

I thought it was so funny.

And, um, handlebar mustache? ...Check that profile again... 

JOSH:

I got a clap!

I didn't think I'd ever get a single-clap out of someone ...

I feel so validated, right now, in this mome—OMG, your profile picture.

We're done [click-bzzzzzz..........]

ALICE:

Hahaha... his name is "Hans".

He is a fine, mustachioed gentleman

who used to guest-teach physics in my classroom

when I taught 2nd graders... They enjoyed his outrageous accent.

JOSH:

Hans.

Why can't people with fancy mustaches

ever just settle for Domestic names: John? Carl? …

Always has to be something exotic:

Salvador, Adolf, Hulk Hogan.

ALICE:

I know. It's so pretentious.

He's a fairly flamboyant guy all the way around,

so it suits him. But still. Over the top.

He has some real skill with guided inquiry instruction though,

so I let him join us from time to time.

...WEDNESDAY...

JOSH:

Easy Question / Hard Question:
1) What does your room/apartment/home smell like when you first walk in...

before you forget that it smells like anything?
2) What society or group of people do you conveniently get irritated with,

when you're in a glum mood?

ALICE:

Easy Response/Hard Response:

1) My (postage-stamp sized) studio smells like

a combination of eucalyptus, peppermint, and lemon, courtesy of:

these essential oil candles my friend makes and the eucalyptus hanging in my shower.

Unless I forget to put my mountain biking shoes in the laundry room after a ride.

Then I think my studio smells vaguely of feet when I first walk in.

2) Mmm… this is a really quality question.

My most transparent answer would probably be

what I’d describe as militantly evangelical Christianity.

The truer emotion behind the irritation is sadness,

but if I’m in a glum mood it sometimes manifests as irritation or anger.

ALICE:

For you (Easy Question/Hard Question):
1) What do you love to do when it rains?
2) How do you typically respond when you experience intense frustration or anger? 

JOSH:

Gaw, those answers: I like the story of you.
1) Wet hugs: cold on the outside, warm on the inside. Also, beach runs.
2) I used to get loud when I got hot about something:

my dad's a stress-yeller; picked up the bad habit.

My ex called me out on it though, so I reformed.

Now I look for where my ego is sticking itself into the situation

(wanting being 'right' over kind? 'appreciated' over present? 'loved' over loving?) ...

then I focus on feeling my breath, and observing the other person's.

ALICE:

Mm... Your answers.

More specifically, your willingness to be honest. I like that a lot.

... I get called "fiery" by both friends and strangers on a regular basis... ;)

...THURSDAY...

JOSH:

I never asked, but is your profile-name a reference to Flight of the Conchords?
Somehow slipped my mind for the last 40 messages...

ALICE:

Yes! Binary solo.

So, I'm not sure whether or not I'll continue on this online dating platform.

I didn't want to disappear without saying something.

It seems to commodify people in a way that I find heartbreaking.

It seems to damage the human element of meeting and interacting with others,

and to diminish the exploration of others

to an experience that feels more akin to shopping

than playing and discovering.

You've definitely been an exception to this for me,

and I've genuinely enjoyed our exchanges.

I would like to meet you...

JOSH:

I feel the same way—on both counts.

If this were what all online interactions were like

(i.e., like modern-day Jane Austin re-boots), then ...

well, then somehow dolphins learned how to type.

I'm in LA this weekend.

But how about next Sunday?

If I hit the road early, we can make a day of it :)

*Forewarned: there is a fair possibility

that my literary character exceeds the eloquence and suave of my reality.

(I'm conversely prepared to discover that you don't own a fake mustache

and Hans has a character named Alice).

But whatever's coming, ... THIS; this thing?

As close to ideal as I can imagine.
Josh = 310-xxx-xxxx

ALICE:

Huge smile. That's what I have on my face right now.

And even if you are less eloquent and suave,

I may still pull a Cece when we meet.

You know, just sounds and something along the lines of

a pantomime of a candle melting.

_ _ _

TEXT

Hi. Alice. Or Hans. Feel free to put me in your phone as either.

TEXT

Oh, you're gonna have an 'AKA' in your title, to be sure.

Stay in touch – I'm marking Feb 21 as “buy more gasoline” day on my calendar.

TEXT

You stay in touch as well.

Whatever we decide to do, it should probably be somewhere remote and dimly lit:

<< video-link: “Louis CK on Women dating Men” >>

TEXT

*This is the part where I tell you I have a flip-phone,

and you imagine me as a caveman while I hand-type this into Youtube...

TEXT

Um, I think I get more excited to meet you every time

you divulge another piece of information about yourself.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She met with someone else over the next week. 

In person, closer to home. 

She liked him. 

So we never met.

*:<=

But there was this, 

and always will be.