Tuesday, December 6, 2016

The more you leave... (the more you get)



                    I met you at a gasoline station,
                   out in the splinter-and-dust nowhere.
                You were beautiful. I wanted to take you
with me, into that vapor-pearled back seat, out of here.

You made me think of that overalls-girl
in my sculpture class, and that sweet soccer player
with the hurt back, and that cookie-skinned artist
   with her eyes over-blacked...

    And all the versions of beauty I had never dared to
           ask “please come,” just put onto a list of views
                                  I'd watched passing in the exhaust,
                                                         back where I'm from.

                                                                           Beyond this, 
                                                                             I went to your list,
                                                         which I'm sure you carry, of every
                                               pretty human you have ever regretted
ducking; every bright face that might have been better than alone...

And out beyond that, a streaming, indefinite expanse
of every face you or I might see
      coming up ahead;
          every heart-fluttering, 
                          mutual glance.

             There would be no way to fit them all
              into this car, in this narrow time, 
               with you and me.
             There is only time here to touch in passing; to
                   absorb what we can and, beyond that, 
                        let things be.

“I'll take twenty of diesel—I forget which pump I'm at.” 
          she smiled (there were only two).
“I bet that joke gets old, huh?” 
“Only for the first month,” 
     she smiled again, 
      “then it gets new.”

Monday, October 10, 2016

Being two (song) ...



P-p-P-p-Please—NO!
J-j-Ju-j-Just—NO!
B-b-Bu-b-But—NO!
Sh-sh-Sh-sh-Sh
                                  I do this for the common good:
                             I must assert my personhood;
                            if you say yes, I say yes too,
                         then I am just a mirror of you—NO!

P-p-P-p-Plea—NO!
J-j-Ju-j-Jus—NO!
B-b-Bu-b-Bu—NO!
Sh-sh-Sh-sh-Sh
                          What you want is to give me
                            just option-A or option-B;
                               don't want bloody wars, don't want dull peace,
                                  don't want you saying, “Oh, calm down, please!”—NO!

P-p-P-p-Pl—NO!
J-j-J-j-Ju—NO!
B-b-B-b-Bu—NO!
Sh-sh-Sh-sh-Sh—NO!

This, or this, or this?” 
                                       NO!
“That or that or that?”  
                                       NO!
Which, oh which, oh which?” 
                                      NO!
WHAT oh What oh What?!”  
                                        NO!!!

Friday, September 9, 2016

The honest irony (re-write) ...

{credits: "When the Leather is a Whip" by Martin Espada; Online flirter donated by Stephanie}

I was hard, once. So the best I could love
was hard. People felt tweaked when they hugged me.
I was loud and unrelenting, so my love was ugly.

She was a torn soul. So her affection was
sometimes terrible: “I hate you!” “No I love you! Intensely!”
Everything she felt, she spread immensely.

They were always drunk. So they got
more drunk together. He died at 51 in a car crash.
She sold all his things, and drank the cash.

*
When I was 12, I looked at this picture
Every night, of a woman in her pale underwear.
Touched myself, felt lightning there.

You might have asked me at 24, was that love?
And I'd have laughed you a “No-hh!!” But then again,
at 24, I was a pompous prick; I wouldn't have dated me then.

For my own, my ex's, my uncle's ghost's sake—
for all that I want to embrace and adore—I think I've decided to understand:
my love is only as good as I am.

My love is as good
as I am.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

The last note of a lecture ...


“DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”
Is the most frustrating question.
“DO YOU? ... UNDERSTAND?”
Compresses our relation    to a lesson.
Of course!  I!  don't understand
what you mean and    where your head is;
I live in    first-person limited,
and I'll die here,     and I regret this.

“I THINK SO?” is all, in truth,
I could ever presume to tell you.
“I THINK I GET YOU?” even
this is straining past my purview:
I've never worn an elephant's head
nor cried, through a martyr's blood, forgiveness.
Never lived in a starfish's absence-of-
mind, nor an earthworm's body, limbless.

And I've definitely never taken due time
to study what-all makes you angry;
the habitual world that frustrates you,
the sense that you've made, that you hand me:
“ARE YOU SAYING THAT ...(I must
shout back, to make sure I'm not overreaching)...
YOU'RE FEELING SMALL, AND SOMEWHAT
LOST, AND SO YOU SCREAM YOUR TEACHINGS?”

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

It's 4:30 ...

{flashback: 2015}

If you were here,
       I'd go to sleep early,
I wouldn't eat so many servings,
I'd have laughed a little more, and
been nervous about making you sad.
       Been  happy when  you giggled.

If you were here,
I'd walk up               next to you
just to see what you were doing
                   behind the corner.
       And I'd help if I could,
not because I'm a goody-good,
but just because you'd say thanks.

If you were here,
                                             you'd say
                            “don't go blind typing”
                                   And I'd say “okay”
                                             and think
                                     Love you.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The box...



There's only so much you can think                               inside the box.
Is it wooden? cardboard? 
What's it smell with, feel like, taste
                                                    of (if you're bored-to-brave)? 
                                                                                    But that's it.

Listening outside the box, you get ideas:
    I'm an anarchist! 
              Buddhist! 
                     Atheist! 
            I have no label!  
                                                                                       But those words
                                                                                            are all colorless 
                                                   until you throw them through the light.

I think that's why I respect old people: 
they've had
time, to climb out. 
                              Well, some just find a good-sounding line
                                 and say, “I'll repeat that from here; 
                                                 that's safe to claim.”

But others go out and break windows, 
steal cash, deface a
patient statue and realize, 
Shit! Maybe our group needs some rules.
We could put John in charge, to make things 
                                   more dependable.

Others sit long in a field 
and recognize, I can't concentrate!
                          How am I supposed to unite 
       with Gaea when I get restless between
                                            radio sounds? 
I like to own things! And to be right!! 
                                 I'm petty!!!

Others spend a decade 
wearing a pasta-strainer 
in their ID pics
                       to make a statement: 
how silly is religion's hold on people? 
                                        And then
                       at forty, think,  
I'm halfway to dead; 
I'm worried; 
     now I get it.

Others find out that                             electric organs make their skin tingle,
while pop is just irritating,                            and big-label country is fake. 
                                                                                       And they decide,
Sure, I like many sounds,                             but at heart, I'm a Gospel girl.

It takes time to figure out that you are the box.                   YOU, in your
body, with your half-dreamed ideas 
                                                                                     of truth and right; 
that make you feel
                                                                      like you're holed up, alone 
in daylight.                                                                      It takes a while 
to climb out                                                                               of that.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Virunga ...


             For money,                                                              they'll put holes through a home.
But I raised the apes                                                                    whose beds
                                                                                                       They'll bore. 
So I'm loading   a gun.                                                                      And
          I will catch bullets                                                               until I breathe 
                                                                                                      no more.

                      From a distance,                                                 what is a gorilla?
           Nothing but black leather                                            shuffling.
                                For an instant,                                      what is a gorilla?
                      Nothing but pounding                                 and huffing.

                             Without touching or                        watching them 
                                                                                             closely,
                                  Primates' lives seem 
                                             too shit-filled to
                                                                          Treasure. 
                                    When oil, ore, stones under-earth
                                     can be traded—their whole weight
                                         —for pleasure.

                                           But from a touch, what is 
                                                                           a gorilla?
                                        Loving and playing, 
                                                              intelligent power.
                                                For decades, what is 
                                                                     a gorilla?
                                               Growing and learning, 
                                             month,           day,    hour.

                              In an instant, from a distance, a man
                                                      Can aim, can make a gorilla 
                                                                                                  fall. But if
                            He never comes closer      with his senses
                                                                                       Than that, 
                                                                                            is he being a 
                                                                                           human 
                                                                                       at all?

Monday, June 6, 2016

Myself in the distance ...



Green shadows                                              gray                                   away,
            lighter and                              lighter                                  until
                   the fog seems             everyth                          ing.
          Each           tree is just a tree;
             every             row, a row.                                            Yet
                        the more       I see                  of        all
                                     the less             of each      I   (think
                                         I)                     know:
                                         I see      leaves,    so  close
                                              on the   nearest    one—
                                             smooth-topped  and
                                                 fuzzy-backed,     catch                       ing
              a                              veiled sun.    And   dry                ing
                lo       wer-           branches, thin   and
                  brit          tle           brown, that
                       must itch      before                    they
                              fall off,    I'm                imagin    ing.

                                      One   known    tree. 
                                                              Short,
                                           by the    measure of 
                                             those at its side. 
                                              And
                                                       me. Not even 
                                               tall enough
                                               to be        part of that 
                                                      towering line.
                                             I could cut them all
                                              down; make them
                                            square   towers. Still,
                                           what       a small life
                                                                    is mine.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Dominestication (song) ...



If you want love,
you've just got to remind me,
what is my name?
And are you gonna tie me
up with them chains
all along the ceiling?
Call me insane,
but I get a loving feeling

from you
when you
whisper
to me
bla-l-la-l-la-l-la-lah.

What's a safe word?
And will I have to use it?
Are you a bird,
or the cat who would abuse it?
Girl, I don't mind
flying in the deep end
long as I can
recover by the end of the weekend.

I want
you more
than my
perfect
skin.

[instru.]

Take off my tie,
and everything that's regal;
I never feel good,
until you strip away what's evil
You grab a knife;
I'm afraid you're gonna land it
into my thigh,
but you just make me a sandwich.

You turn
my heart
up red,
like a
stove.

You're al-
ways on
top 'cause
your a-
bove.

Is this
pain, or
Dharma,
is this
love?

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Motivation ...


Whether or not     I    disappear
into the unimportant    and      forgotten
in the moment,      the month,      the          year
after my mind    and/or body     goes    rotten;

whether or not 
                          I win that      
                                     annual prize,
and steal applause 
       from award-night captives
forced by free food 
                        to lend me 
                             their eyes
while I say something 
  gratefully vapid;

whether or not I kiss 
                       that peak
of my potential 
                    to be so 
                        inspiring,
             to woo a village 
                 through the words I 
                                       speak
             toward more calm 
    and undesiring

                              innards through 
                     my face and fingers –
still I'll have cast forth 
a life of trying
                                          to best myself, 
                                           which will linger
                                                          behind me
                                                   like fairy-dust 
                                                                for
                                                       those                later-
                                        to- dying.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Priorities ...

(Battling the flu. Thinking of Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching, number 5: 
“Heaven-and-Earth is impartial; / It treats all things as sacrificial straw-dogs. / 
The sage, too, is impartial; / He treats all people as sacrificial straw-dogs. / 
The space between Heaven and Earth seems a / Bellows: it is empty, and yet it is inexhaustible; / 
The more it works, the more comes out. / Whereas more words count less. / Better to hold fast to your center.”)


Giving up
Inside the flu—
Nothing so natural to do
As slow my heart, unbind my head
In a bundled still, in an anywhere bed.

I fell asleep on the floor after lunch,
Rug wet by my opened mouth.
Didn't mind much. I wasn't
mind-into anything really:
I still liked my room, but
The space seemed silly;
Still collected music,
But it hurt to listen;
Still called my lady,
But we weren't kissing.

I speak this dream to no one, still I let it enter.
Better to be silent—and hold close to the center:
My tongue's a spoon, my hand a cup,
Everything pours in after
Giving up.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Relationship Dissolving: (a character study, in 3 acts) ...



9 MONTHS UNTIL ...

Rotten Cherry (or: professionals and amateurs)”

We both say        “I love you,”     but
We mean        different    things.

She goes,                                                  “There's no other man like you,   for me.”
And I go,                         “There's never been     anyone else.”

She goes,                                                  “You have to be less sensitive.
                                                      I've Never been with someone 
                                                where nerves was a problem.”
And all I can say 
back is second-hand scholarship:
                                                     “Sex is a reflection 
                                                 of the relationship.
                                     Maybe it's the way we—”

And she goes,      “No, it's not. Christian and I
                             had a horrible relationship, 
                                   but the sex was great.”
And I go, 
                                                    “Oh—oh.”




5 MONTHS UNTIL...

The Break (or: feeling apart, before being apart)”

When we first started out,
        I believed this was true:
              “I'm just not good enough for you.”

I was so immature
         and had so much baggage;
                 so little experience, 
                                      and so poorly managed.

Now I manage my tone,
         I keep still, and I see
                 a thrash rising in you 
                                             as it's fading 
                                                               from          me.

You are so good in war,
         but so quick out of peace;
                 what I needed
                                  from you then, 
                                      now I want     in you
                                                                                 least:

When you judge and you doubt
         what I am and I give,
                 when you 
                            “I just    don't care” 
                                    at my         “Live and
                                                                           let live,”

When your name-calling cuts
         meet my guard dropping down, I
                 feel      peaceful—
                                  like   a     fighter 
                                        forfeiting
                                                             mid-round.

Peace from what? From out of us;
         for your fists lifted me
                 to such 
                       a sharp,    clear-  eyed 
                                                     calm—
                                       that I've let my
                                                      grip free.



… THE FIRST MINUTE.

Love (the beginning)”

I knew it when I walked out the door:
                                                                                      That's what being in love is like.
Not knowing how good you have it.
                                                                                      (That's what being in love is like.)
Feeling like you're perfect.
                                                                                 (That's what being in love is like.)
Because she believes you're worth it.
                                                                        (That's what being in love is like.)
And thinking things could be better;
                                                             (That's what being in love is like.)
That, perhaps, we slow each other down, together.
                                                        (That's what being in love is like.)
Saying, “Maybe we should take a break for a bit.”
                                                      (That's what being in love is like.)
Hearing, “Do I love you too much? Am I mean? Am I shit?”
                                                         (That's what being in love is like.)
And trying to pretend, “I didn't mean to say—”
                                                                  (That's what being in love is like.)
As she breathes, “Let's never speak again, but I love you anyway.”

                                                                                  That's what being in love is like.