.jpg)
I feel sorry for her.
Then she acts mad, and
I feel relieved that we're apart.
Then my ex texts “I miss
you,” and part of me lights up—
like “Yes, I miss you, too. And
you're always in my heart.”
When my ex grows distant, I
find my thoughts flying forward
and finally I can look into
a new date's face, lost in their eyes.
When my ex goes silent,
I may still have conversations
with her echoes, half-transparent
in my mind.
These are goodbyes.
When my friend says
“Your ex is going
to lots of ballgames with
her new boyfriend,”
my fingers rush
the search keys:
“Aggh—somewheeere...
here's a link.”
He has kind eyes,
a truck; likes sports
and drinks: all things I'd wished with
love she'd find out there,
outside of me.
(At least, I think...)
When my ex is happy,
in my imagination hole,
part of me starts feeling chilly
and drawn back once again.
Of course, that passes,
but I still translate
what it means for me inside:
that I never stopped
watering these roots,
no matter how many new seeds and shoots have crisscrossed my soil since then.
I had very similar feelings when I broke up with my boyfriends for the first couple of days and weeks after we broke it. It seemed unreal to have someone who had been such a big part of my life, leave me in less than a day. I was always hoping that we might get back together or might stay friends but in the end we just drifted apart and we don't even talk to each other anymore. But I think that a very important part of life is to continue loving people, even if you have been hurt in the past. There's always going to be a light at the end of the tunnel and even if it seems hopeless at the moment, I believe that if you just give your pain time to become a part of you, and you give yourself time to feel the sorrow and unhappiness, then it will be easier to move on from your past relationships with others, and grow as a person. I also believe that some of the worst things that slow down the healing of a broken relationship is to hope for the person to come back and to see some of the qualities you liked about them in other people. Lastly, I believe that if you can see your ex partner being happy with someone else, without feeling any negative emotions towards them or towards yourself, you have completed your healing stage from that relationship, and now you have completely moved on from that person.
ReplyDeleteLooking at the lines of the poem, where, by the end, all of the words are separated from each other, makes me feel the way I felt during my relationship. Where at first you're together, but as the relationship progresses, you end up going your separate ways.
My eyes bouncing left and right between stanzas felt like the internal fight between emotions and logic, and I could feel that disconnect between wanting to move on, but being at the mercy of how easily old feelings can be stirred up. It reminded me of having a devil and angel on each shoulder and their battle of knowing its healthiest to move on, heal, and grow, but then at the same time those negative thoughts about the past and scrutinizing yourself. It also reminded me of the concept of psychological tension between the id, ego, and superego, especially as the final stanza became centered and returning to the reality of the situation. Moving on is not a synchronous timeline and is sometimes hard to accept that while you are still nurturing the roots the other person has stopped, but your poem reminds me that it's simply one of those ramifications of caring about someone because as individuals you will always be different in more ways than one could count.
ReplyDeleteThe image you paired with the poem made me think of just how many relationships—friends, family, partners—we form and tend to throughout life and over time you grow a forest. I thought the spots of color resemble a virtual simulation glitching and made me think of how in the ever evolving world of technology we see romantic relationships completely differently. Texting, social media, dating apps, etc. has seeped into the nature of love that has been established for centuries before us, but now we are left to reevaluate how to go about these relationships in the modern day including scenario you described and I could relate to the ability to indulge that morbid curiosity about people you are not close to anymore.
This poem reminds me not of a past relationship, but of a past friendship. One that ended in total lack of communication, no longer even acquaintances. The separations of the stanzas reminds me of the separation of the person I once knew, to the person I see now and can no longer talk to. In brief and inevitable interactions that occur between the two of us, due to mutual friends and a shared social circle, I am reminded of days spent at each other's houses, biking in the summer, endless beach days. Yet her character and actions speak for themselves, and I am reminded of the reasons we don’t speak any longer. The line about feeling “chilly” reminds me of that cold and absent feeling losing a friend does to a person. The uncertain feeling, wondering if we are ever to rekindle the close friendship we once had. Seeing major life events go by, seeing them with the people they still remain close to, thinking about the past as they move on into the future. The image paired with the poem reminds me of the ebbs and flows that accompany the loss of a friendship, the shifting emotions from sadness, to anger, to resentment, and ultimately indifference. I wish this person the best, but it’s also difficult to see them without thinking of myself and the emotions of losing that friend. This idea is beautifully represented by the poem, especially the imagery of the roots created by that person that cannot be replaced by new seeds.
ReplyDelete